In The Rising Podcast- A Health and Wellness Podcast

Is Self-Esteem the Real Goal of Mindfulness?

April 06, 2021 Bettina m Brown Season 2 Episode 70
In The Rising Podcast- A Health and Wellness Podcast
Is Self-Esteem the Real Goal of Mindfulness?
Show Notes Transcript

Mindfulness is a hot topic right now.

But what does it have to do with self-esteem? Well, in this podcast I talk about how it has little to do with self-esteem and much more to do with self -compassion. 

Which we all need more of.







Thank you for your time and interest in this podcast! I invite you to leave a heartfelt review on whichever podcast platform you listen to. It does so much to bring exposure to the podcast and helps lift others up!

To leave a review, helping us spread the contents of this podcast- click on this link! Thank you!

Connect with me!

Website: In the Rising Podcast Website

Email: Bettina@intherising.com

In the Rising Pinterest:

In the Rising Facebook

Check out the Website: Fit after Breast Cancer



[00:00:00] Bettina M Brown: Greetings. Greetings and welcome to In the Rising Podcast. Thank you for spending time with me today. My name is Bettina and this is the platform I have chosen to talk about living a life that is not full of regret living a life that we are proud of, excited about, and. Really can live the life that we want to say, "Hey, that was mine."

I did everything I could. And walking away from the shame blame game, which we know does nothing for us. Right. And so I like to start off by saying I'm not a counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist. I am a newly certified life coach, but I am not a professional that has lots of, lots of training so far as their background and different theories or anything like that.

But I have had the opportunity to speak with, at this point, thousands. Thousands of people who share how they're feeling at some moment, and they attribute it to their physical. Situation, but it has a time when they get to evaluate their emotional, psychological, their spiritual journey. And that's where this podcast comes from.

So today I wanted to encounter the topic of mindfulness and self-esteem, but not in, how can we get more and more self-esteem. So, we have had, I think, from 2000. No, 1987 to 2006, there's been this great push of, you know, we are loved, we are liked. It's almost like that show where we think about Sally Fields, everybody likes me, or somebody likes me, or something of that nature where we are liked that we are valued by other people or we should be valued, and anything average is an insult.

We have to be bigger and better and more wonderful, and we already are bigger and better and more wonderful. And what we've seen is this has led to a huge increase in narcissism. We've seen a huge increase in children being less emotionally aware of what their statements and actions have to other children.

Now more than ever, I'm not talking about bullying. That's, I think, almost part of the human experience. It's just so common through multiple generations. But that is not about self-esteem, that is about power and control. And as long as there's a human being, I think we're always gonna look for power and control.

But to be aware of someone else and how we interact with them and how we are. That takes a little bit more awareness. So what I'd like to talk about is how mindfulness. The practice of being mindful or present right now, not in five minutes from now, not in a year from now. Not in two years from now, not in 10 years from now.

What you're going to say, what you're going to do, and I'm not talking about visualization, I'm talking about being right here in this moment. If you're hanging out with someone, having a cup of coffee that you're not thinking about last night, what you want to buy? The errands. You have to do the bills, you have to pay that right in that moment.

You're drinking a cup of coffee and you're present and you're realizing that you're enjoying this cup of coffee and your friend is enjoying this cup of coffee. Same action, same moment, but they're enjoying it so much more. So self-esteem is something we work to have more of, but it doesn't take much to have it go out the window, for example.

If you give a presentation and you essentially bomb it, and people or people badmouth you, people blast you on the internet, people blast you at work, your own friends and family get on your case. Your self-esteem can be injured. It's hurtful, but knowing that your self-esteem can be hurt and go down and come back up, almost like a baby rollercoaster, what can we do to.

Maintain more of an equilibrium no matter the circumstance. And so this article, which, was talked about by Kristen Neff, who actually,, works at Harvard and it's done a lot of research on this, talked about using self-comparison. And self comparison is more when we're kind to ourselves, when we look at our experience through a human experience.

So I'm not evaluating my situation right now, just as I'm the only one that's ever gone through this, but I know that. I'm also a parent that has a child at home during the middle of a pandemic who's trying to teach things, who's trying to make ends meet, who's trying to be present with their child and still exhausted.

I know I'm not the only one, but just being aware of that and understanding that the human experience of feeling inadequate or exhausted is really a human experience. When I think of it as a human experience, I open the door wide open to see that that is for something that men may experience, whether you're straight, whether you're gay, whether you live in China, whether you live in Nigeria, whether you live in the United States.

It's a human experience, and suddenly I have a lot more people who are on this experience with me as opposed to being alone, and I have to have more and more self-esteem. And being aware of our negative thoughts and emotions. Last week I talked a lot about toxic positivity and I had a lot of feedback, that it's okay to feel these things.

It's okay to be, negative sometimes We cannot just be positive, positive, positive, but when you're mindful of your negative thoughts and your emotions, it's not when you're tucking them away to deal with at another time. You're actually aware. That you're having them. So let's start with the first one, self-kindness.

You know, self-compassion is when you're kind to yourself, you're not uber self-critical. And basically you treat yourself the same way you treat good friends, lovely family. You know, but when you look at yourself and you're like, you're an idiot for thinking that Bettina, or, you know what? You knew better.

Why did you do that mistake again? You should have known this. You could have seen that a million miles away. Why did you walk into that problem? Well, that's not being kind to myself, and in that moment I'm looking at myself as though I'm not a human being who makes mistakes. We all are. We're not perfect.

So, And why should we be so self-centered and selfish, where we're just thinking that we have to be harshly criticism, criticizing ourselves? Well, I could have known if only if, if 20 years ago I had done this, if 15 years ago I had done this. That might be, but you don't know what else would've come out that situation.

Maybe you would have gone to school there, maybe you would've dropped out, maybe something would've happened. You just don't know the end of that road. So being self-critical tends to make us insecure, depressed, and it also makes us afraid to ta take on new challenges because we're like, well, if I fail, I have to, you know, self flagellate, like I failed again.

I'm not doing this. Or we're on the other hand like, well, you know, it's just the way that is and I have no control. So, No, I mean, if you have control to be negative, you have control to be positive, you have control over something, but being kind to yourself is also something you can control. Stop looking for full validation from other people because they're a little bit busy trying to validate themselves, and that goes for family, friends, workers, coworkers, and so having that self-kindness is really essential.

So that recognizes that we are here to comfort others, but sometimes it is possible that we are the one who needs to be comforted. I had talked about the common humanity, and that compassion really does mean to suffer with. So when I'm feeling compassion, I'm, I'm there with someone. I'm taking away the self-pity, the poor me, oh, this is all me.

How did you do this to me? Why did you do this to me? How could someone do this to me? But realizes that this situation is likely very common? That you are going through this situation is maybe a hardship that's outside of your current control, but instead of going to why, you know that moment when it's like, well, this shouldn't be happen, or, why me?

Why was this not happening the way I wanted it to happen? And on and on and on. We don't realize then in that moment that. A lot of people have had situations that are equally bad. Worse, worse, and the issue is not really why me, but why not me? So, getting away from the idea that. We are, we are so special that we're not supposed to have pain.

We're not supposed to have heartbreak, that we're not supposed to have physical issues, mental issues, you know, emotional issues. That we are somehow so special that we don't have a regular human experience because it makes us feel that we're not human and we are. And we recognize that, you know, when we talk to people with similar issues, for example, someone who's been a single parent for a while, when someone tells me about what they're going through, I hear them, but I really feel them.

I can, I can, I can understand where they're coming from, which is a completely different experience, but I can hear and feel at the same time I'm with them. Because I may be in that same spot and have been, I am, when things are not quite the way I want them to. There's always someone that has been through something similar, and being aware, mindful of how I feel about it, makes me less alone, makes me feel that my self-esteem isn't the problem.

I don't have to be in depression. I just have to recognize a, a basic truth. I am somehow a human being still. And the last one is mindful. So being mindful, it's just being over that present moment and really experiencing it fully and recognize. Recognize that you don't have to have every moment be happy.

Recognize when you are feeling depressed. Recognize that you are not in a place where you feel your best. But you're allowed to give yourself the compassion that you need, the same way you would give compassion to another friend. You are allowed to recognize that you can be kind to yourself and be supportive of yourself, and also recognize that this hurts.

It's not necessarily the favorite part, but doing that. Taking a step away from having it all figured out, which is something a lot of us like to do. You know, I'll figure it out all on my own. I'll pay for it all on my own. I will do this all on my own, which is something I tend to be susceptible for.

 But you're relying completely on yourself and we are not designed to rely completely on ourselves. And that is part of the failure. Just being aware in that moment that we are. Allowed to feel positive. We are allowed to feel sad and it has nothing to do with our self-esteem, but we are allowed to have that self-compassion in that moment and hopefully this speaks out to someone.

So, I thank you all for listening today. I appreciate your time and until next week, let's keep building one another up.