What are some ways that you show you don't trust yourself?
This show discusses five ways we can show our lack of trust in ourselves, and offers ways to rewrite that narrative.
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Check out the Website: Fit after Breast Cancer
What are some ways that you show you don't trust yourself?
This show discusses five ways we can show our lack of trust in ourselves, and offers ways to rewrite that narrative.
Thank you for your time and interest in this podcast! I invite you to leave a heartfelt review on whichever podcast platform you listen to. It does so much to bring exposure to the podcast and helps lift others up!
To leave a review, helping us spread the contents of this podcast- click on this link! Thank you!
Connect with me!
Website: In the Rising Podcast Website
Email: Bettina@intherising.com
In the Rising Pinterest:
In the Rising Facebook
Check out the Website: Fit after Breast Cancer
[00:00:00] Bettina M Brown: Greetings, and welcome to In the Rising Podcast. My name is Bettina, and this is the platform I have chosen to talk about, know, living our best life and what does that really mean? Basically, living according to our hopes, our dreams, and all the wonderful things that we can imagine. And leaving behind the shame blame game that really does nothing for us and doesn't get us really anywhere.
So, I like to start off every show by saying I am not a licensed counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or any type of mental health person, but I am a healthcare professional who's had so many conversations with people, especially people who are really facing the end of their life, usually through cancer, and they start to talk.
They start to talk about what they should have done. And their number one regret is usually living a life that wasn't theirs. Living out someone else's hopes and dreams. And when you get to have that conversation with someone and they don't have the opportunity to change that, it definitely impacts you.
It definitely sits with you. So, one of the things I wanted to talk about today, or the thing I wanted to talk about today is building trust and not with other people, but building trust with yourself. Do you ever, I've done this and in fact I still do this from time to time, but I ask other people's opinion like, what do you think about this?
What do you think about that? What is your opinion on X, Y, and Z? And a lot of times, I'm asking because I want someone to tell me from their perspective, because I can only see from mine. I take all my years of good baggage and bad baggage into every decision. So having someone else's view and basically their baggage helps me make a better decision.
Helps me understand how come certain things happen the way they did, or what I may want to change or that I want nothing to change. But when we are asking other people's opinion, I. For everything. Should I get this lunch bag? Should I do this? Should I do that? What do you think about this? Should I break up with my boyfriend?
Should I stay with my boyfriend? Should I buy this house? Should I buy this lunch? Should I go on this new dinner? Should I get this car? Should I get that color about that car? You know, when the questions keep coming, it's because it's, it's showing that there is no trust in yourself. And a lot of times this can happen because there have been so many events in our life.
Or a lot of self talk that is very negative, and so we don't believe that the opinion that comes out of our mind or our gut instinct is correct. So, what does that look like? So typically, that looks like accepting and acknowledging, believing any I. Messages either through your childhood or now that are negative about yourself.
It doesn't matter if 10 people tell you that your outfit is nice, if one person doesn't love something about you or doesn't love the brand of shoes you have that it sticks with you like gum on the bottom of your shoe. Like you just keep trying to walk it off, but it's there. And you harbor that comment, you know how they stood when they said it, and you refuel insignificant or less than every time you think about their comment.
And so that means your belief in picking the right shoes in the first place is kind of doubtful. Did I make the right decision? Am I following the trends I'm supposed to? And if I decide to not follow the trends that are out and about, am I doing that correctly? It's a small example, but this happens over and over with.
Did I buy the right house? Did I do the right career? Did I marry the correct spouse? Did I have the right number of children? There's so many ways that we can accept what someone else's opinion is, especially with regards to raising your children. Everyone has an opinion, myself included. But then when you start to doubt that you were built to be the parent and it's your job to parent your children, well, then that has a lot bigger consequence.
The other thing is that sometimes people try to control everything in their environment, so they feel safe. And they try to control their, their children, they try to control their spouse. Their house may be immaculate, not because they are just a clean person. There are people that really have, you know, a very high view of how clean their, their house should be.
But sometimes that cleanliness of the house is really just a way to exert control over the environment, having such strict order. Is not about having cleanliness and feeling that that's nice. It's about having that order. It gives them a place of feeling safe, a place of control. Now the thing about the house being clean or having that control is that's not real life.
We cannot control our work environment. We cannot control other people's attitudes. We can't control whether the job we have will stay with a company that will be actually viable in a year. Now, from me now, we have so much we can't control, and so the more we try, the more inner conflict there tends to be.
So, when we are doing things, when we don't like someone's attitude or we're trying to dress a certain way or want someone around us to behave a certain way, It is okay to stop and say, am I trying to control the very bit that I feel I can? What about minimizing or denying your own needs? And this, I see a lot typically in women, especially those that want to be that perfect parent.
And usually when we're trying to be that perfect parent, we are living in a daydream because there is no such thing. But wanting to always perform, always outperform that everything will always be handmade. All of the activities will always be done. I will chaperone every event. I will show up for every event.
I will volunteer at school. I will help every night with the homework. I will do all of these things. And I will jump on it as soon as I get home. Or if you don't work, you are focusing on it all day, but you're minimizing that you need that time to rest. You're minimizing that you're exhausted. And I have been guilty of this myself.
I want to be honest. I have been so guilty that I wanted other people to think that I was something good, that I started to even deny my own needs. And that's not the way it is. That's not the way it's, and it's from a lack of trust in yourself. And the last one I'm going to talk about is being prone to catastrophizing.
Basically everything's going to fall apart. There is going to be disappointment. I understand a hundred percent it's going to fail. I'm going to fail. Everything's going to fail. Waking up and knowing that there will be disappointment or betrayal, in your relationship or work like, you know, the absolute worst is going to happen.
That it doesn't matter what you do or what other people do. The hurricane is going to come in and wipe everything down again. And you know what's going to happen because it always happens. But it is a lack of trust in the process of life and in the process of you, and it's a lack of trust in other people. It fills you with this constant knowing that there will be failure, there will be this sadness.
So well, what can we do about this? Well, According to everything I ever read is just to be aware and even listening to podcasts as this. There are other podcasts out there such as, Lewis Howe, the School of Greatness, the Minimalists. There are so many great pos out there, or even articles that talk about ways to recognize that this is a self-trust issue, not a life issue.
And so anytime you catch yourself in this, everything's going to fall apart phase of your life. It's okay to stop that. Recognize it for what it is. Don't get on the train that's going downhill, but stop it right there and recognize that the catastrophe might just be in your head and it may not turn out as wonderful as you have imagined.
But it very well may turn out even better, but having the negative energy around it, having the negative thought around it, it doesn't help. I mean, if at best you're kind of a pessimist and you feel comfortable in that pessimism because we have to be, you know, honest too. Sometimes we are very positive, just natured or we develop it.
We feel safe and comfortable there. You also have people that kind of feel safe being negative all the time, gossiping all the time. That's their safe zone and it, we're not really people or creatures that want to not be safe. It's one of those very, very basic needs we have. And if having a view that everything will turn out into a catastrophe is what keeps you safe.
You may not want to change this, but if you recognize that this is not helping you, it is keeping you in that blame, shame cycle of doom, basically, then that will be your first step. Stop those thoughts. Acknowledge your thoughts, acknowledge the role you play, and there's nothing like having some self responsibility.
Which I know in, in modern times is kind of a really bad word. It should probably be blacklisted as well, responsibility. That's just my opinion there, but it's, it is important when we have no responsibility, we tend to not have any goals. When we don't take responsibility, we don't take the ability and the power back to actually make any change.
If something's always someone else's fault and someone else is going to do this and someone else will do that, and someone else will do that, well then what is really left for you to do? Nothing. So, nothing is what you're going to give. So, take that moment. So, recognize you have all the power, even if you don't like the word responsibility, but you have all the power to change your life and it's up for you to take it or not.
No one else can do it for you. And anytime you minimize or deny your own needs, realize you are starting to take that power away. On one hand, we cannot complain that we don't have any. And yet with the other hand, keep giving it away. It is, again, back to us acknowledging that we're giving power away. When we take away our own needs, we are designed to help other people out.
Absolutely. And it feels good to help other people, but the same way, it can feel good for someone else to help you. You also will feel good by helping someone else. It is a cycle and we're all a part of it. And so when you're acknowledging that you need help or you're acknowledging like, Hey, if I'm starting to get on this negative track, Can you just let me know?
Or, Hey, you know what? I need a break. I need to not work this day. I understand this happens to me often that there is no one to work this day, but you know what? There is someone and that someone is not me. And so that is also important to recognize your need for a break, your need to recharge and controlling your environment is nice because I like to have my.
Room will look a little bit more like a cottage at the beach, but you know, I really can't force an ocean in there. I, I can't surround myself with that, but I have to let some things go. That means my entire vision may not be the way I want it, but it's okay. I can still enjoy my present moment. I can still enjoy having to take a detour on the way home and enjoy a different path.
I can enjoy things. From the non-controllables just as much or just the same as the controllables. And what I will say is we can stop accepting negative self-talk or negative talk from other people. Sometimes and often people will put you down because they want something to feel better about themselves.
And you know what? That's not your responsibility. Like, I'm not here for you to put down so you feel better. That's not my role. Someone may want to play along with that, but it's not me. And I trust in myself. I trust that maybe the shoes I got are good and maybe they're not, but I don't need to be put down about it.
I don't need to be put down about my house, my job, my career, my family, and I refuse to accept that because I trust that my gut instinct overall, because I have done some really poor decision making and I mean, poor, poor with a capital P. Decisions in my life, but I also trust that I have made really great ones and it will all even out in the end.
So, thank you. Thank you for listening today. I wish you all very well. Until next week. Let's keep building one another up!