In The Rising Podcast- A Health and Wellness Podcast

6 Steps to Healing After a Breakup: A Guide to Honoring Your Process

April 27, 2021 Bettina M. Brown Season 2 Episode 73
In The Rising Podcast- A Health and Wellness Podcast
6 Steps to Healing After a Breakup: A Guide to Honoring Your Process
Show Notes Transcript

Being single can be liberating and it can be scary.

It all depends on the circumstances. But, many of us find if a challenge, even if it is "for the best."

What does this have to do with knowing your self-worth? Everything. Being newly single can make us question past decisions and current ones.

This podcast is about ways to honor the process of growing in your singleness and being ready and grounded for the future.


I review some of the comments from this article.  And, there is help available if you have been abused.





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Bettina M Brown: Hello, hello, and welcome to In the Rising Podcast. My name is Bettina, and this is the platform I've chosen to talk to you about living a life that's really in alignment with your best dreams, your hopes, your goals, your joys in life, and walking away. Running away better from the shame blame game that we tend to live in and kind of circle around a drain as it's going down or downward spiral.

And so I always like to start off and preface that I am not a counselor psych psychologist, but I am a healthcare professional who gets to talk to people every single day. And when we have an opportunity, We have an opportunity taken from us physically, either through illness or through an accident. We tend to reflect a little bit more what we could have done, what we should have done, and if we are given another chance, what we will do.

And so as a physical therapist, I've had many of these conversations, and that's where this podcast comes from, conversation after conversation and realizing that a lot of us are not putting our self-worth in a place of value. And so I aim to change that one little soul at a time. And I started with myself.

And so today's topic, I want to talk about hard truths. That no one tells you about being newly single. Well hold up. What does that really have to do with, you know, understanding your value, your hopes, your dreams, and your goals? Well, the thing is, even in those places where we're excited about our future, real life still tends to happen, and real life tends to happen to every single one of us, and often when we least expect it.

And this topic came out because I am. Intermittently, a Netflix junkie, and I was watching this show called Selling Sunset. Maybe you've heard of it, where they're selling these multi, multi-million-dollar homes out in Southern California. And I'm going along, going along, really liking the show and getting into the different characters when.

Everything kind of shifted in the music and you always know when there's a shift in the music, something happened. Well, one of the people that is showcased is Chelle Stauss, who was Chelle Hartley in the actual show. So, what does that have to do? It talks about, and it shows where she finds out that her husband wants a divorce. She's basically texted and that he texts her. Yes, he texts her. He's over it. And then, the whole world knows a little bit afterwards and it shows this heartache, this look of disbelief, this having to go home and spending time with family, trying to figure out what's next. And the part that really struck me, was when her coworker slash friend broke down after seeing her.

And she goes, she's lost weight. And for anyone who's gone through this, and I am one of them, that definitely hit home. And I had a lot of empathy for her and even watching, even before I Googled to see what was next, I knew that she will do well. I knew she will overcome it. But in that moment to see that, how would she know that?

How would I know that about myself and my own situation? And certainly, if you're listening, and this sounds familiar to you, how do you know? But there are some truths to being newly single that are really important to grasp onto and understand slightly. More deeply whatever place you're in, in that moment to, recognize that this is not an easy road, but it will move forward.

You will be able to move forward. And one of the first things that I really liked that they highlighted in the show that she did for herself is to actually take the time to mourn. This is important. Like I know back in the day they would actually give you a grieving period when you're allowed to wear the colors and blah, blah, blah.

Now we need to look good. Now we can't lose too much weight. We can't gain too much weight. We still have to have our hair done. There's all this how you look stuff and are you performing at work? Are your tasks done, done, done, done, done. But when you are newly single, and doesn't matter if it's a marriage or just a, a longer term relationship, because not everyone is getting married anymore.

It is important to know that you're mourning not just what happened, not just your past, but it is okay and good for you to recognize that you are also mourning your hopes and your dreams for what you believed your future was. If you're married and have children, you believe you're going to be together for the high school graduation, you're going to be together at their wedding, you're going to be together in all of the photographs.

And then that's gone. So, it's not just the anger about right now, but the morning and the fatigue and the sadness about tomorrow and the next month and the month after that, and so on and so on. And it is okay because you are. You are losing a part of your future, it is okay to mourn that it is often necessary.

I like number two the best, and that's taking what people tell you with a grain of salt. And that includes this podcast, right? So yes, everyone's going to have something to say and they, they often mean it well. Like, you know what? You're going to find someone the day after, you don't want to hear. You're going to find someone.

Yes, statistically, everyone finds someone within like seven months no matter how long this relationship they're grieving over was. But that does not help you right now, this moment. So, recognizing that it is okay for you to just let people say what they need to say because that might be part of their healing, but let it go in and let it go out.

And number three. Recognize too, that grief is kind of scary. It, it's just like when you want to get, if you're in a, in a, in a fully loaded car, you can't get to your destination and just cut off the passenger seat. Some things come along with you and grief tends to be kind of the passenger in, in, in your life.

Sometimes it's in the back seat, you know, we've lost a best friend and when we were young, Perhaps even a, a more distant relative. And sometimes grief is just sitting right there, right in front with you. Like every single day, wherever you're going, you're looking forward, but you cannot miss the fact that grief is right there.

And so it is okay to have this grief and it is okay to forgive yourself for, for feeling it. And. Knowing that as you go into that grief, which is part of the mourning process, it's part of that whole healing process. But as you go into that, you can still come across and come out the other side even better and stronger.

But knowing that grief is going to be with you in the car, it is easier to eventually open that door and get them to the backseat or that third row backseat even better. But, It's still there. It just doesn't have to be necessarily in front of you blocking your windshield and blocking your vision for the rest of your life.

And going into that, I want to talk about number four. That time does not always heal things, but intentional time can. So, there are people, and I heard this in a sermon once and it just spoke so strongly to me that this pastor was going off and he says, I've met people who are still trying to prove themselves to their dead fathers, their fathers who died 20 years ago, and they are still trying to do things to impress or win the affection of someone.

And that just highlighted how much time. Can go by. And yet the event is, is not even in the picture. It's still that the time is like it was yesterday. And so waiting for time, oh, I'll wait for next week. I'll feel better. That's not how it goes. Taking that time to honor yourself in how you feel and what you're doing for yourself is what's going to make next week a little better.

And the week after and the week after. Even if you're not able to recognize it yourself, and with recognition, we're going to go to number five and understanding that you may have some wounds to actually heal. So not every breakup. Not every relationship is just like, oh, well we didn't get along and irreconcilable differences or what have not.

Some relationships are really just toxic and abusive. They're mentally toxic, emotionally, spiritually, and these cause and create scars in our lives. They create them sometimes so deep that even if we move on to a healing, happy, fruitful relationship, those scars are tugging us into being fearful. Keeping us in that past.

So yes, it is important to, you know, if you've been abused, to call some hotline, reach out to people, but recognize that your scars require your full attention. They are not for someone else. They are for you. And yes, I understand the saying, hurt people, hurt people. But that hurt person is not your problem and they're not your problem because you cannot control it.

There have been things that could be of said to you, done to you, but there's nothing you can do about that. You can only can control you. And that's the hard thing about it and a lot of abuse. It's all about control. What are you thinking about? What are you doing? It has to be about what the person controlling the situation wants it to be, but that is not for you getting through these scars of toxic relationships.

And that's, I've covered it in the past podcast as well. That does take some time and it does require some healing. So, I am going to talk about this next one and that I, I like it a lot. There is no such thing as perfection when you start dating again because you likely will. And there's often a little bit of fear with that because especially if you've been in a longer relationship, well, you haven't dated in a long time.

It's been 5, 10, 15, 20. 30 years since you'd last dated. What does that mean? What do you say? Well, prepare yourself and preparing yourself can be really looking at what do you want, what did you learn? You know, you don't have to take grief with you in the front seat, but you can take the lessons with you.

And you do not, and I read this long time ago and I couldn't even find it for this show, but you know, for every year you've been together, you need to be alone for six months. That goes back into how much time, you know, if you are dealing with things. You don't need a specific time, and anyone that tells you, oh, you need to wait.

They don't know you. They're not you. Well, I did it Well, you do you right, you do you. But sometimes your path of healing is even with and through having a good positive relationship. Just because you've been mistreated in the past does not mean you'll be mistreated in the future, but, If you are throwing away or tossing aside or moving aside good people that you know that under any other circumstance you'd be interested in, you don't have to rush.

You don't have to rush to an altar with that person. You don't have to rush to an another long-term commitment, and just because you went on one date does not mean that they are entitled to the rest of your life. Learn these people question these people. Know what this person has for their hopes, their dreams, their aspirations, and if they are completely far away from what you want, at least you learned it and you learned something out that opportunity.

But there is no perfection, not in yourself, and not in dating, and know all people, whatever gender are not all bad. We are all dealing with our own little story. Just to recognize that you can definitely get back to a place where you can pick yourself up and get onto the next thing in life. Trust in your resilience.

Trust in the possibility of having more and understanding that in this new single life, you have the opportunity in a new way and a new, exciting way. To design it however you want. And with that new design, you create an atmosphere of honoring yourself, respecting yourself, and loving yourself to the point that you will only accept people, partners, into your life that also honor, respect, and love you in that same manner.

And when you get to that point, you recognize the pain from your past and everyone's situation is different, but you realize that some of that was necessary to get to where you are now because this quality of life comes from circumstances and that you cannot take away. So, I appreciate you listening today.

And you know what, we all have only so many minutes while we're doing everything and I appreciate the minutes you've given me today. I will also link, uh, where I got some of these ideas for my one through six today, and I'm also really advocating you to just trust in the process of your own self. Like ultimately, we know ourselves better than anyone, and if you don't know yourself, this is a great opportunity to figure that out.

So until next time, let's keep building one another up.