The Importance of Self-Care for Moms and How to Make Time for It

It is almost Mother's Day 2021!!!

And I am a mom, and it gave me pause to think about: what ways am I taking care of myself?


This podcast is a short, and poses a few questions that you can ask yourself to feel

• less guilty
• less fatigued
• more energized

I discusses a research article, and even a blog from a mom that pleads to not have to do one more thing... including self-care.  Lastly, I pose some questions from another article that I believe strike right at the hearts of moms. 

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Transcript

Bettina M Brown: Greetings. Greetings, and welcome to In the Rising Podcast. My name is Bettina and I've chosen this platform to talk about living a life that's really in alignment. With your success, your hopes and your dreams, and leaving behind the shame blame game that does not really do much for your life. Now, I like to start off every podcast by saying I'm not a licensed counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, but I am now a life coach and have learned so much through that process about asking questions and looking deeper and deeper inside.

Because somewhere in there inside of us all, we have answers that we're looking for externally, right? So they're actually inside of us all the time. And with this week I was wondering what on earth I'm going to talk about. When I realized, when looking at the calendar, it is actually Mother's Day, this upcoming Sunday, and as a mother myself, I thought about in what ways have I been doing self-care now that I may not have always been doing?

And I realized how many women that I meet who are mothers, that self-care is just this thing that we could push to the side. And so I did look up. As my nerdy self, I did look up some things and one of the first articles that I came across was, uh, from a mother, and it's really called, “Please Don't Tell Me To Practice Better Self-Care.”

Love a tired mom, and. In that, you know, we talk about, or she talks about how exhausted she is, how, especially with c o d, we get less breaks as mothers because our kids may be with us all the time. Is it really enough just to say self-care? What does that really mean? And so in many of the articles that I looked at, especially the one, uh, that was posted as an actual journal article through, um, let me see, what was it?

The role of maternal self-care in new motherhood from Midwifery magazine, um, or journal in 2013. There really is this emphasis lately in our modern culture on this complete. Self-sacrifice like you're not a good mother unless you are completely wiped out, completely exhausted in every waking moment of your life is with one intention in mind, and that is to breed and build success in your child or in your children.

And so this is really hard to live up to because that is first of all, not how we are designed to be, but it is not even possible. And in our world of both posting and social media and this and that and comparison, like, you know, I baked, I don't buy cookies, I bake everything. When you have these sort of conversations with other women, you can certainly walk away from the situation feeling less than.

That's not really the point. I do believe that every single one of us that is a mother or is an aunt, but specifically a mother, we are designed for the children we have. I feel that it does not matter what other woman is in your child's life. You were specifically made to be the mom. That may be a spiritual view.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but it is nonetheless I, the one I have and feel very strongly about. So, all of the quirks and the things that annoy our children and the things that improve our children are really what our children need. And just having that idea in mind, knowing that you are completely perfect for your child.

Just that thought and you let it kind of simmer in and kind of like pulp that you're boiling on the stove when you're just letting that really simmer in for a while, letting that come into your pores knowing you are specifically perfect for your children. There's so much anxiety that can slowly just dissipate.

A lot of the work goes away because in that moment you realize there's nothing you have to do or say or believe or promote or place them in, in order for your children to grow. That you yourself have all the value and all the tools that your children need through your own experiences, and by the way that you promote and discuss your experiences and in the manner in which you live.

So, one thing that we can certainly do is to lower our expectations of ourselves. First of all, there is no perfect mother. If we're all imperfect, we cannot be the perfect person for anyone else. And that includes our children. That means no, the bed cannot always be made. The laundry cannot always be done.

The food cannot always be perfect. And it can, in my case, you know, oh, it cannot always be not burnt. Um, burnt is actually like another food group in my house. So, these are all things that just are part of the experience. Your child will live through, your child will live through and enjoy those experiences.

And when you lower your expectations of what you want to have and want them to remember or even want them to be, you actually get to enjoy the moment that is. So, there is a, another person, she's, gosh, has, I don't know how many letters after her name, but she has an entire course on Mindvalley and it talks about, or she talks about being a conscious parent, putting aside your thoughts and your hopes and your dreams.

And one thing that she emphasized is how many parents will say, I want my child to be successful and happy. But in those, in that little sentence, I want my child to be successful and happy. And this is Dr. Shefali. I just looked her up, Dr. Shefali. In that moment when you say, I want, it has nothing to do with your child.

It has everything to do with what you want for your child. And when we have a lot of moments of fear that they're going to be not successful or not happy, when we have moments of fear, we tend to look towards a way to, to control, to control our children's current life and also their future. So, it is what we believe their vision of happiness.

Successful is, and in that moment we've really taken away from their own future. So from that, I want this for my child. What about if we change that entire view into this is what I need right now to provide my best personality, my best character, my best wisdom to my child. So, there are a couple things that we can certainly do, and one of them is actually to think about what made you feel alive before your children.

Like what was the activity? What was the thing that. It just made you feel like, yes, this is part of life. Like I'm so excited to be here. This is a great opportunity. This is a great memory. Think about that. And when was the last time you felt that way? Was it before you had children, or was it yesterday?

Was it? So long time ago. You're not even able to put a real answer to it. So it is important to gather that feeling. You know, we talk about children and their view of life and how beautiful it is, but the thing is we can have that same view and we can experience our children's childhood alongside them and not just from above in an authoritarian way.

Answer this other question. What are three ways that you care for or nurture yourself daily with? Like what do you do? Sometimes when you're very busy, it can just be like, I combed my hair and I brush my teeth. But what is important to you? Like having your nails done? Is that it? Or once a month massage or a quarterly massage.

What about taking that class that you always wanted to? Cake decorating what have not. What brings you some really big joy and how do you care for yourself in that? Is it using the most expensive lotion that you really don't need, but it just makes you feel good because the smell is beautiful? Or what about did you used to wear.

There's a lot of back and forth and tenses on that one, but what about it was something that you enjoyed wearing? Some, some perfume that just made you feel beautiful or wearing a specific outfit made you feel like a woman or like who you, you, your name is like, makes me feel like Bettina, this is, this is me.

What makes you feel that way? And if you're not doing them, what would you like them to be? Or better yet, if that's what brought you that joy in feeling nurtured yesterday, and I mean that, you know, figuratively last week, two weeks ago. What is going to make you feel cared for and nurtured today? Because we change, and the most important question in my opinion is, do I believe I am a person of value, a part?

For my kids, my partner, my job, my possessions, my accomplishments. What is it about me that is valuable? And I like this question because it really tones everything down. Like we cannot talk then in concrete for per se. Well, I have my masters and I provide a house and I provide food and but what makes you valuable as a mother?

It goes so much deeper than just what you can provide on a physical level. What is it about the way you view life, or what is it about the way you view nature or the way you like to cook or your view of the body or your ability to be, just expressing yourself and not feeling ashamed. Or if you were brought up a certain way and there are parts that you loved and parts you didn't, that you changed, you changed that paradigm into what is right now and not what it should be.

How are you a person of value? And so on this Mother's Day, I would like to just point out that you are a person of value because you just are. There doesn't have to be. You know, an entire piece of the sentence right after that. You just are. You just are beautiful. You just are wonderful. You just are learning.

You just are human. And even though we believe that having a mom makes you have superpowers, that you can do so much more laundry and more dishes, you really just are a beautiful woman that happens to be a mom. It's okay to not forget the beautiful woman part so that your children can look not just as this is my mom, but look in admiration at you as, as a human being, as someone they had the opportunity to learn from and not someone who wore herself out just to bake cookies.

Although baking cookies are actually not a bad thing either, but the point is, Taking care of yourself on all levels is so vitally important to being the best parent you can be. And for not every, but for many, many moms, maybe. Most moms, this is the absolute most important thing that they want, is that they can be there for their children and provide for them lifelong lessons.

And the lesson is, You treat other people the way you would like to be treated. Even though we say that in the reverse, we talk about other people first, but it is the golden rule, as in you, the way you would like to be treated. Love thy neighbor as thy self. You can't love your neighbor till you love yourself.

And your neighbor is everybody, including your little ones, no matter how old they are, right? They're always our little ones. So thanks for listening to my two, 2 cents, two dimes on that topic, and I want to wish a Happy Mother's Day 2021 to all of you, whether you are a biological mom, stepmom, uh, adopted mom.

It doesn't matter. Sometimes the way we mother has nothing to do with biology, but the way we present to those that need us. So thank you for spending your time with me again. You know what? Every minute is precious. Every minute is valuable, and you chose to spend yours with me. So until next time, let's keep building one another up.