In The Rising Podcast- A Health and Wellness Podcast

Are You a Shock-Absorber or a Peacekeeper? Finding Balance in Relationships

June 29, 2021 Bettina M. Brown Season 2 Episode 82
In The Rising Podcast- A Health and Wellness Podcast
Are You a Shock-Absorber or a Peacekeeper? Finding Balance in Relationships
Show Notes Transcript

Peacemaker

Peacekeepers


     We have heard of these terms, and we tend to know who keeps the peace, and who disrupts it. But, is that "assignment" healthy for us?

     Have you ever heard of the term Shock-Absorber? I had never heard of this term prior to reading Dr. Caroline's Leaf's Blog.  I have been following her work for quite some time, especially when she was interviewed by Steven Furtick.  

     She is a communication pathologist and cognitive neuroscientist with a Master's and PhD in Communication Pathology. She loves research, and how this relates to how we communicate with each other, and how we communicate within ourselves.

     I invite you to listen to this podcast to hear my views on this topic and how this relates to self-esteem and self-worth.

 

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[00:00:00] Bettina M Brown: Hello, hello and welcome to In the Rising Podcast. My name is Bettina Brown, and this is the platform I've chosen to talk to you about living a life that's really in alignment with your hopes, your dreams, your goals, things you want to achieve, or. I guess look at the other way around things you want to look back on your life and say, I did that.

Even I was afraid, despite the fact I had challenges and obstacles, and basically walking away from your shame blame game that really does nothing for you or for those around you. So, I like to start off every episode by saying I'm not a licensed counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, but I am a healthcare professional, and I am a certified life coach.

So, I come from the perspective of looking deeper within to see how we physically manifest things that are bothersome to us, and also want to figure out what makes us tick. And in today's episode, I want to highlight. Another podcast and blog author, it's Dr. Carolyn Leaf, and if you haven't heard of her, she has a phenomenal kind of wealth of information in different aspects, all about how the brain works, how to clean your brain, how to move forward, how to siphon through and filter out emotions that may be.

Causing you a way to, to not have the most fulfilled life. And if anything, you should listen to her podcast because she is from South Africa and has the most awesome accent. I absolutely adore it, but she really likes to figure out how you can change your mind and backs that up with research and science.

That the brain is amazing, that the human body is amazing and we can still do. My opinion, another thousand years’ worth of research, learn, of course, contradicting information. But we are still trying to understand our body and what we are learning about it is that it's amazing, it can move forward and those dreams and hopes and goals that you have are actually things that are within your reach.

But you have to be in the right environment, just like a plant, right? If you put some seeds in the middle of the Mojave Desert, they’re still seeds, but they just don't have the environment to grow. And that's how we are. We are also seeds. And if we're in a poor environment, we will grow, but we may not get to that absolute potential.

And sometimes changing that environment has nothing to do with where you live, has nothing to do, who you live with, where you work. It has everything to do with the environment that you change in your own mind. Okay. And so in this podcast that she talks about, it's episode 292 of Hers, but she has a blog that was posted on June 20th, 2021 where she asks the question, are you a shock absorber?

How it messes up your mental health and solutions for it? And I was like, wait a minute. Shock absorber. Isn't that just what a peacemaker is? And actually, she talks about this in her podcast, what the difference is between someone who is a peacemaker and someone who is a bonafide shock absorber. And the difference is this, if there's some conflict at work or at home, wherever the environment that you're imagining, and there's always this one person that.

Tends to be the problem child, right? Like you already, if you think about who's going to cause conflict, we almost all have a vision of a face, who that person is. And if you're not always envisioning yourself, it might be you, right? But we all have the potential to cause conflicts. But there are some of us that have that potential and we live up to that full potential.

Right? And there are others of us that you think about peacemaker. And you have a different person that you know that comes to your mind. Now, there is a difference between that peacemaker and the shock absorber, and a lot of times they're the same person. So, the difference between those two is the word conflict.

Now a peacemaker will try to cause some peace, re relate and, and at least acknowledge someone else's feelings because you know what? That's the truth. Someone else's view on something is their personal truth, someone else's feeling and belief system. Their belief is as true to them as your belief is to you.

However, there will be then some conflict and a peacemaker. Has a boundary that is like, okay, I see where you're coming from, but you're not going to talk to me this way. You're not going to talk to this group this way. You're not going to treat me this way. You're not going to give me extra work to do. You're not going to do this.

This is where there's a clear set boundary of what is acceptable and what is not. A shock absorber will listen, will acknowledge the other person's truth, but will accept. The consequences of that behavior, of the verbal things, of the physical actions, they just kind of take it. And that's really what it is.

It's just taking, taking, taking, taking. And in another podcast I talked about that in relationships of any kind, friendships included, that it is a give and take situation. In no way does it ever mean that someone gets the assignment of being the giver and the other one has an assignment of being the taker.

And unfortunately, that is how some relationships are. It's one person's, this one person's that one person, you know what? Whatever you want. Okay, I don't want to upset you. Whatever makes you feel better. And the other person almost doesn't know when to stop, and they're taking for granted. Someone else just continues to get bigger and bigger and larger and deeper over the course of time because there's never been a boundary.

And if you don't know the boundary, you just keep going. Right? That's how the West was, was discovered. We just kept going until we got to the Pacific Ocean and then yes, eventually they built some shit, but that was the end. There was no end before then. So, it is just human nature to keep going. So. So she describes this and she says, if you are a shock absorber, how does this really become a problem?

Because sometimes the argument can be, well, it is best. It's best just to kind of let it go because this is not that time. And you know what, you're right. Sometimes it is best to just let it go, but is that time to let it go every time? Is it really every time that you are letting it go? And now it's not a shock absorber that you are for one moment, you are actually taking on an identity of being a shock absorber.

And what does that mean? How is this really a pattern that becomes toxic to ourselves? It actually affects our own wellbeing. Well, Dr. Leaf describes how we are really wired for love. That's kind of the nature of the brain. We want harmony, we want balance, and we want to have everything be equal. And when we are that shock absorber, we want to make sure that we are providing harmony and balance to someone else, and then we get.

Kind of slapped in the face with that. We cannot, under any circumstance be the harmony and the balance for anyone but ourselves. But why do we tend to do this? What is the benefit of constantly taking on the problems of other people? So in her discussion and cleaning up your mental mess and you know, how does this really happen?

And it all starts with this good intentions. Good intentions can backfire. There's a saying that the path to hell is paved with good intentions, right? But intentions really don't get us anywhere. You may have the intention of being nice and friendly, but the moment you start driving down the road and someone cuts you off and you yell at them, your intention and your action.

We're not in alignment. Now, does that person in the car, or the little kid, you know, having their little Popsicle on the side of the street, did they see or know your intention? Or did they see your action? Your action. So, it is nice to acknowledge someone's intentions and what they were hoping to do, but there's a point in time that you just have to look at what are they doing?

What does this real, this energy really mean? And are they having kind of a toxic energy? And the thing is, if we don't stop being around toxic people and having their toxic energy, we start to absorb it into our brains and our bodies, and that causes us to be in a psychological problem. That's when we become kind of entangled with it.

We get frustrated, we build resentment, we have anger. And when you're having any of those feelings, You're not moving forward in your best life, right? Are you going and working towards your goals and your achievements that you're looking forward when you're angry with someone else? Have you ever been so angry that you're just not even sure what you're doing, or so frustrated that you're not?

You just like, I just got to stop doing what I'm doing because those are such low energy. Such low, yeah, low energy, low possibility emotions. That they actually pull us backwards. How many angry people really move forward in life, move forward without having had help. Now we can all point our fingers at certain people, like, well, look, they have all this money.

Look at they've done this, they've done that. Did they Really though there's a lot of inheritances out there. There's a lot of acceptance of attitudes. Did they get there by being them best self, or did they get there stepping on the faces and bodies of other people? That's my opinion, but once we become in this habit of being that shock absorber, what do we do about it?

Like when you recognize that you're always keeping the peace, then you realize you're not the peacekeeper, but you're just. You're just the shock absorber, and there is a time when you have to recognize that lighting yourself on fire to be a light or flame for someone else does not help them because you're the one burning, you're the one feeling all that pain, and they have your light right now.

But you know what? Tomorrow they're going to be angry at something else and someone else has to be their light. Or maybe they come home and you have to re be their light and you're so focused on being the light for someone else that you are static. Or going backwards in your own. You're not moving forward with your life, you're not having potential.

You're really robbing yourself. You're robbing your future self and robbing the future self-role model that you could be for that person, role model for other people, and all those goals and achievements that you want to achieve, think about all the impact it can have down the line, and you're not even doing it for other people or yourself.

So, what do we do? Oh, she discusses gathering awareness, right? We know awareness is important, but asking yourself the question, am I feeling responsible for making everyone happy? You know, if someone's happy or unhappy that you feel that that's suddenly your problem. Do you feel that way? Do you always mini, you know, mitigate arguments?

Oh no, let's not talk. Let's, let's do this. Are you always that person? Do you have to be keeping the harmony? Her question is at home, school or work, and it tends to be when you're a shock absorber. You do it at home, at school, and at work. Like, you just keep, keep doing that. Are you justifying someone else's behavior?

To blunt the impact of what's happening. Well, this is what happened to them. And oh well today, you know, that happened and oh well I would feel sad. I've had that experience. I just, you know, this is really not their, their natural self. They're just behaving. They're just exhibiting this, and that one really hit home for me.

How many times I have just justified someone else's behavior because of their upbringing, because of the sadness in their life, because of their past trauma. You know, there's a point in time when you haven't dealt with your stuff like that is really not someone else's baggage to unpack. It's yours, and if you're looking behind you and you see the baggage and you refuse to do anything about it, but you want to pick up your baggage and swing it around and harm people around you, it is still you harming other people.

I'm sorry. I have no more patience for that as I'm getting older, but it's not okay. And you as the shock absorber, don't have to stand there and have all this luggage thrown at you every single day and say, well, you know, someone, someone put some more rocks in that luggage because that luggage gets heavier with time.

Every single time it gets heavier and the abuse gets more. Am I taking wrong responsibility because I don't feel others are competent enough? You know, if they're not competent, they're not competent. You know how you gain competence? Yes. You got to go through some trials and gain it. If you don't want to gain it, you know what?

That is not your problem. And this one hit home for me as well. If others knew about the bad behavior I put up with, would I be embarrassed? And I have gone through quite a bit of my own therapy. I've had the talk therapy, I've had a lot of the body movement therapy. I've had EMDR as well, where you have paddles in and you feel the emotions of things and you re rate your response.

So, I've, I've gone through a lot of different things and I've unpacked things and, and to tell someone else, you know, it's one thing to journal, but tell someone else what I tolerated. I was embarrassed. And you know, even with every person, they never, they never gave me the sense that I should be embarrassed.

But I was, I was like, oh my gosh, I cannot believe that I am saying this about my own life. Like I looked at my own self as though I was an outsider. And that's huge. We can lie to ourselves. We can, but our body knows we're lying. And the people that nod and shake their head yes. They know you're lying. So what do you do?

Well, you kind of reflect on this, like there's a point in time when you have to evaluate whether or not your behavior is in alignment with what you think a good person is, because many of us were raised that if you're a good person, you do this. Now it depends. If you are raised in a family where one of your parents or one of your aunts or uncles or someone that you got to witness, got to behave however they wanted to, and it was never ever stopped, there was never any responsibility for this behavior.

You thought, well, the person that took it, they were a good person. They just did what they had to do. They tolerated. They were really the ultimate good person. And sometimes the people with the worst behavior idolized people with the good behavior. Because that's what a person should tolerate from me. If I'm being be, you know, if I'm going to just be a jerk and be mean.

Well, someone is going to be a good person, they're going to take it. Was that your upbringing? What about, what about this other question? Is this part of your expectations? Is it your expectation that you're going to be abused? Is this your expectation that you will avoid conflict at all costs? That you will tolerate certain things, and then it comes around, what does the word conflict really mean?

True conflict does not mean boxing gloves up having a full-on brawl. It doesn't even mean yelling at one another. Conflict is when you have a difference of opinion. That's a conflict. I see something this way. You see it that way. We may choose to see things differently or work on compromising, but that's a conflict.

Now some people choose not to, you know, act like adults and that's not your problem either. Let someone be small all by themselves. There's a story that says someone will, will dig their own grave, let 'em do it. You don't have to help them, and you don't need to dig yours to help them either. But. Evaluate, what do you think your thoughts and your behavior patterns are that are allowing this?

Because when you are lit up on fire, you know what you're not doing in your life. Living your life best, living your best life, speak English. Right? It's, it's not in something that you can move forward with. There's, there's a heaviness. Is it easy to walk somewhere when you're heavy carrying baggage, other people's baggage?

No, it isn't. So, it goes back into where she talks about writing it down. That that process of writing it down and then rechecking and repacking actually opens up a part of your brain called the amygdala, and it helps you further balance your emotions and perceptions and it helps you have the ability to process things better.

So have you ever been that person or you've seen someone who's just has. So much on their mind, and it's just one thing after another, and they just literally can't even seem to find a solution anymore. I've, I've recognized so much in myself in this whole podcast and article that I've, I've, I've realized that I'd be the first to put my hand up, but it is important to set these clear boundaries because when you do, it literally rewires your brain.

And it rewires you for a positive experience and that continuous cycle one after another, a positive habit puts you on the pathway for you to meet your goals and being grateful that you end or in that position, being grateful that you can accept conflict without feeling that you have no worth. It means you stand for something, right?

So, having that research behind you, having that knowledge, that being a shock absorber does not make you a good person. It makes you a, a person that helps a bad person. And sometimes those are bad people. Sometimes they have some issues that are not for you to fix. The, the reality is you can barely fix yourself and you have no control over anyone else, and you cannot, under any circumstances, love someone enough for them to see the light.

I've tried it. I've read about other people trying it. It doesn't work. You have to come to your own light and you setting the example of what that's like to be happy and set boundaries does more for people than being the shock absorber ever. Well, It's a very interesting podcast. I'm going to set a link to it down below.

If anything, listen to her accent and once you listen to her talk. You're just going to be enthralled. She's such a, such a phenomenal woman out there. And so, if this is a podcast that is of interest to you, I ask you to go ahead and subscribe. Leave a five-star Review. It really helps move my podcast forward so we can just impact more and more lives out there.

And so, until next Tuesday, let's keep building one another up!