In The Rising Podcast- A Health and Wellness Podcast

From Perfectionism to Progress: Redefining What it Means to be an Awesome Mom

July 06, 2021 Bettina M. Brown Season 2 Episode 83
In The Rising Podcast- A Health and Wellness Podcast
From Perfectionism to Progress: Redefining What it Means to be an Awesome Mom
Show Notes Transcript

My eyes blink rapidly while the rest of my face goes blank, and my body just goes limp. Why?

I realize that I still have a minimum of 2-3 loads of laundry to do, meal prep to complete for a few days, so I can build more "time" into the next few days, and declutter nearly every room because I am the owner of single socks. 

I can feel a slight chill all over my body, my ribs tightening and my mind going back in time when I truly thought that handling motherhood, a career, pets, utilities were things I could do easily.  

But, with a small intake of breath, I realize that easy is not what I can describe this as. The reason: doing it all is just too much. 

I need help, and if I can't get help, I need to give myself a break.

Motherhood is not for every woman, and I respect that. I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I didn't realize the amount of time a little growing human takes from your time...even when they are not around. Knowing that I am of my son, still makes my heart race with excitement of truth and possibility. I am divorced, and though I have a cooperative co-parenting situation, I still know that the house, the job, the yard, the pets, the car upkeep, the groceries, etc., are mine alone.  

According to this Motherly article, over 90 % of mothers feel burnt out. What can change that? 


Self-care, but also, recognizing that in no way, shape or form, was it always meant to be on the mom's shoulders-married or not. Asking for help, saying no, and accepting your own limitations with regard to time and energy is important. 


The motherly article points out Brene Brown is the Call to Courage Netflix program... leaning into the discomfort, and going with it.


Belonging: how to be excluded

Connection: how to build the connection

Shame: fear of disconnection





Thank you for your time and interest in this podcast! I invite you to leave a heartfelt review on whichever podcast platform you listen to. It does so much to bring exposure to the podcast and helps lift others up!

To leave a review, helping us spread the contents of this podcast- click on this link! Thank you!

Connect with me!

Website: In the Rising Podcast Website

Email: Bettina@intherising.com

In the Rising Pinterest:

In the Rising Facebook

Check out the Website: Fit after Breast Cancer


[00:00:00] Bettina M Brown: Hello and welcome to In the Rising Podcast. My name is Bettina, and this is the platform I've chosen to talk about living a life that's really in alignment with your hopes, your dreams, and your goals. So, going from your reality into your vision and leaving behind the blame and the shame. That really does nothing for you.

It doesn't bring you forward towards your best vision of life. So, I start off the podcast by seeing, I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist of any sort. I am a healthcare provider, a physical therapist, and I love to build that connection to figure out what is below the surface because when you get the opportunity to spend hours with people, they tend to start to talk about what makes them tick and what makes them feel like they are living their life despite or because of this problem that they're having right now.

And I am a life coach as well, so I enjoy looking into the depths of each other and myself to figure out what. Really is the answer because intuitively we all have the answer. It's just blocked by this veil of unconsciousness. So today I wanted to talk about self-care and how this can relate to being a woman, but particularly being a mother.

So, when I envisioned becoming a mother, I. And when I have conversations with mothers, this is often what's talked about is, you know, we think about our children or our child and what we'll be able to do with them. The Legos we'll buy and how we have to get a crib. Or if we have a lot of soccer mom things, what kind of car are we going to drive?

What car are we definitely not going to drive, whether or not we will ever go into that minivan or not. And what our life will be like, what our home will look like. Are we going to do this kind of paint? Are we going to go organic? Or we're like, you know what? I will probably put whatever on the table that is available.

But then when we walk into that life and we live that life, the expectation and the reality sometimes feel like they're on opposite ends. They're polar opposites. And because it is still so expected, That the mother is supposed to be caring and loving and enduring and helpful and will always bake these cookies at whatever time, and we'll always make the bed and we'll always drive their kids to school and we'll have a career and we'll do this and we'll, you know, read to their kids at night and will do homework and will always look good and not frumpy and we'll make sure this, that.

Those wills and what is are again, polar opposites and what do we realize then? And so as I'm reading this article from motherly, it's a kind of like a blog motherly and it talks about self-care, how self-care may not be enough for moms that are burnt out. And I love to talk about self-care, and my first reaction to the article title was like, well, I don't know.

I don't know about that, but there is truth in that. How can you enjoy that glass of wine when you are so exhausted? And you have so much anxiety about what you have to do, how can you just step out for a little while and take a nice relaxing bath when there's knocking at the door or you know there are still tasks that need to happen.

How's it you stop to go get a massage and your nails done when those precious hours you really want to dedicate with your child or children because you've been so busy previously. So I felt, you know, definitely a chill with my body and this tightening this, this across my ribs because this hit very close to home.

And I do recognize that motherhood is not for everyone. And just because we produce children does not mean we're actually mothers either. And sometimes just because we didn't produce those children doesn't mean that we're not mothers. But there is still a, a moment in time when we may feel just. Burnt out.

And according to this article, over 90% of the mothers that they polled felt somehow burnt out, just exhausted. Just not willing to, to go forward with a happy face. You know, their cup is empty. But if self-care is not always meant to be helpful or can be helpful, what? What is? They talked about Brené Brown, who I adore, her books and her shows and everything, and she has this Netflix program and she actually has a TED Talk, also called Call to Courage, where she talks about leaning into that discomfort and kind of going with it.

You know, we don't want to be uncomfortable, especially when we have all these tasks to do. We don't want to be uncomfortable. But what does being uncomfortable have to do with being a burnt out mom? Well, a lot, because somehow there is still this idea of a perfection from a mom that she will always give, always love, always, and endure, always push.

There really is still this kind of. Personification of perfection around motherhood that we may try to attain. And yet it's because it is a perception and it's certainly not reality that we fail. So not only are we exhausted, but then we're not able to live up to our own expectations. So, I read also, well, you know, you need to take care of yourself, but does taking care of yourself always involve a meditation or a journal?

And so I listened to Brene Brown's Call to Courage program again, and how she talked about when she asks people what they felt about belonging, invariably she would get stories about how they felt excluded when she asked them how they felt connected to certain people. They described situations in which they did not feel connected.

And when she reviewed things about shame, they talked about their fear of disconnection. And so I start off my podcast with Living a Life that's really in alignment with your hopes and your dreams and walking away from that shame blame game. But how do you walk away from the shame of feeling burnt out from something that you are also at the same time.

So very grateful to have. How do you say? I'm exhausted. How do you say? I don't really feel like doing the homework, and I certainly don't want to bake a cookie and I don't want to volunteer at the school, and I don't want to sit at the park another moment because I'm tired of sitting on these seats with all these holes in it.

Do you always feel like walking the dog and making good food and having a smile on your face and then still having to produce a, a, a good outfit and a good hairdo so that you don't look like the frumpy mom? Do you always feel that way? And when I was reading through that and the answer was absolutely not, and you know, she talks about this disconnection.

And it's, I think, the disconnection between what is, what we think our society feels or even what we've been ingrained from our, our childhood, what connection is like to your family and your children in the place in that time of motherhood. But we don't really talk about our community. Our community of mothers.

So the community of mothers is sometimes divided. Those that go back to work for a career and those that spend all their time justifying why they didn't go back for their career and that they want to stay home and that they want to be a homemaker. I mean, in, in both cases there's just explaining because there's so much judgment and I think a viewpoint of one thing or another that has to be there.

I think one of the first things that we can do is just connect. Connect the dots, connect the dots of how you feel and that yes, you're grateful for that experience, but that you do feel burnt out, and why connect the dots of whether or not you're doing something because it brings you joy and your children joy, or your child, or because it's what's supposed to be.

Connect the dots between your vision and where you are. And if there are no dots, acknowledge that there are no dots on that path, just to build that connection within yourself. And you know what? Build connection with other women. If you have 90% of people feeling a certain way, And I've talked to mothers and they do it all.

They work more than one job. They continue to show up at games. They leave work early. They rush through at the end. They have to get there, they have to make sure they have gas at lunchtime and have this done and have dinner and spend quality time one-on-one time. That all of it is worth it. And I'm not questioning the worth, but is it worth.

It's my favorite phrase. I think this week, lighting yourself on fire to be a flame for someone else, because we are also at that point just setting an example of that false, false reality that it does not exist. And we can build that connection with other women and have that conversation openly. And in that, walk away from that shame by acknowledging how uncomfortable, or that it's not, it's not comfortable to talk about your shortcomings or what you feel are your shortcomings, but leaning into that with, with other women that you feel you can trust.

I feel like I'm messing something up or I don't, I, I feel like I could do this better, but honestly I don't have any, any juice left to give. And with that sense of connection, we walk through and we are vulnerable. She loves to talk about vulnerability and I really recommend listening to her because she describes it and when she describes vulnerability and how we build connection when we are vulnerable, not when we have our walls up.

You know, I can't connect with my neighbor shake hands with our fences and our walls, but I sure can do it when they're down and I'm vulnerable, right? You could harm me. But in that vulnerability, that is where we build our belonging. We belong to a group of women, and that group can be billions of women who also feel the same way.

Who acknowledged to you or acknowledged via blog or YouTube or what have not, that they are also exhausted. That they're recognizing their own limitations is nowhere near the expectations. And with that sense of belonging, there can grow something really wonderful. And that's peace, a peace of mind within yourself, a peace of mind within your group, and acceptance.

So when you walk through that shame. And experience vulnerability. You have the opportunity to connect, and then you have the great place of belonging and when you feel at peace. It's certainly so much easier to go stop what you're doing, regardless of the laundry, regardless of anything, and just enjoy that glass of wine or, and take the glass of wine in the bathtub and just let there be dust.

Let there be dust. Let the dishes sit there one night. Let this happen. Everyone has their own OCD things. I get that. I don't have a problem with leaving dishes. I do have a problem with laundry. But just the importance of recognizing that you are part of a super group of people who have been really given a gift and a blessing.

That's just my view, but with a gift and blessing there, there comes some, some issues with those and those issues. Our time constraints work-life balance, where balance is definitely a verb. It is not a noun. It is an active thing. And one day you may put all this energy and connection to building with your child and the next day maybe not so much, but you still provide a sense of being there, being a available.

It is not always about having more time. It's about having more quality time and self-care is not always taking a bath for an hour and drinking that glass of wine, but just sitting down and for five minutes or 10 minutes just being with yourself. And the same thing could totally be said for, for single fathers or for fathers, period.

All of us are living up to some expectation, but we can truly only do so much. And knowing that this 90% is out there and that the answer is not just rest more, rest more, and let that go. And consider that you are on fumes, you are depleted, but that you can work with and build and connect with other women.

And having that opportunity to have conversation and that sense of belonging, that emotion to. Put the gas back into your tank to enjoy what you're doing, not because this is laundry I have to do, but enjoy what you're doing in this moment and with joy, you release those expectations and that makes such a difference for feeling burnt out for the rest of your day and for the rest of your child's young life.

So thank you so much for your time today because you know what time is something that you don't get back. And if you enjoy listening to my podcast, consider leaving a five star review and subscribing, share it with your friends and family on social media. It really does so much for the podcast and just to get out and reach other women.

Reach other people that need to hear that they are not alone, that they do not need to sit in their shame. They don't need to feel disconnected, and they don't need to feel as though they don't belong. And until next Tuesday, let's keep building one another up.