From Pain to Power: How Alexia Bartholomew Found Freedom from Sexual Abuse

My guest today, Alexia, spent years being abused by family members and describes her process and her process of freedom and how she began to walk from a dark place into a light. I'm excited for you to hear her story.

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Transcript

 From Pain to Power: How Alexia Bartholomew Found Freedom from Sexual Abuse

[00:00:00] Bettina M Brown: Hello and welcome to In the Rising podcast. My name is Bettina and this is the platform I've chosen to talk about living a life that's really in alignment with your hopes, your dreams, and your vision of what your great life is. Walking away from shame and blame and actually opening up that closet or trunk of fear and pain.

[00:00:21] Bettina M Brown: Addressing it. And that is actually what my guest today, Alexia, does. She spent years being sexually abused by family members and describes her process and her process of freedom and how she began to walk from a dark place into a light. I'm excited for you to hear her story. So I'd like to start by saying thank you, Alexia, for your time today and thank you for You know, even the desire to be on the podcast, encourage a lot of people that I've asked, you know, Hey, do you want to be on there?

[00:00:55] Bettina M Brown: And there's such a limitation, like a fear and unsurety. So I applaud you on your courage. With that to put your voice out there, not knowing who's going to hear it. Yeah. 

[00:01:06] Alexia Bartholomew: Thank you so much. It's definitely- I'll be honest with you, I did not think, for me, I can write a poem. I wrote a couple of poems, but to write a book.

[00:01:18] Alexia Bartholomew: Exposing me Some parts I was like, "okay ," But then we came to those other areas. I didn't want to touch oh my God I had to really like That's what it's like. You think the Holy Ghost, it's in my praying for me because I had to really expose me, . And I think you don't want to touch certain area because you know it's going to, it's going to open you up.

[00:01:43] Alexia Bartholomew: And obviously one of the chapters that I was writing, I did not want to touch because it was, it was so, let's say the wrong boys and men chapter, that chapter. It was so many, and I'm like, which guy to add to this book? And so, and so it got to the point, like, okay, you know what, just pick the one that had the most impact.

[00:02:10] Alexia Bartholomew: And once I was able to get that trimmed down, I, okay, let's write the book out. And so it took some time. It really did, because it, it, it was it was a depressing moment. It really was, like, oh my God, what, like, what was I thinking? 

[00:02:23] Bettina M Brown: But, I think there's learning in that you know, I've, I've written a book. I didn't want to like be big, but I wanted to do the process. But when you read it back, you get to see where you've come from.

[00:02:35] Alexia Bartholomew: You hit the mark. I read the book as it was published and I was amazed by. I wasn't depressed.

[00:02:47] Alexia Bartholomew: I wasn't like, overwhelmed. It was no low moments. It's like, it was like peace. It was a closure. And when I can read a whole book, it's nothing like, nothing like kind of brings me to have a negative component. I can say, Alexia, you're good to go now. You can move on. So, yes, I agree.

[00:03:10] Alexia Bartholomew: It's definitely It's a hill. It's death with a wholeness. I felt very, I felt light. Very light. And I know a lot of people's gonna be encouraged. A lot of people could be encouraged by it. 

[00:03:22] Bettina M Brown: That is awesome. So why don't you tell us the title of your book? 

[00:03:27] Alexia Bartholomew: Well, the title of the book Yay! Right here. I don't know if you can see this close right here.

[00:03:33] Alexia Bartholomew: It's called You're Not The Only One Who Has Been Hurt, Violated, Abused, and has Overcome. And it's just a it's just a really just a book of encouragement to let people know they're not the only ones who's been through some things. And I tell my stories, my experiences of the sexual abuse, the the bullying.

[00:03:55] Alexia Bartholomew: My mom and my dad, and even with the wrong boys and men it's definitely it was a process. And I know a lot of people would be encouraged by it. I think a lot of people wish they could say, What they've been through, not just say, Hey, I was hurt, I was raped, I was molested, but to take the person through the reader, through the journey of the experience, the mindset, the feelings, the attitude, the emotions before, during, after the event I was amazed by just how much, when I was writing the story.

[00:04:30] Alexia Bartholomew: How much I really was saying, this is how I really felt. And I think just to show that, okay, Lex, you're not the only one. Also, I think what surprised me was how I was really feeling through the process, because I think when it took place a year, I think I was so numb. I was like, you know, just hurry up, get over with, and to be able to like stop numbing the house belt and just ride out.

[00:05:00] Alexia Bartholomew: Like this is how I really felt when it happened. It was like, wow, it almost said, okay, like you, you do have feeling, you are a human being and I think it was just a victory for me because not just writing a story and not just even go through therapy, but I think it was also the blessing, which is able to forgive.

[00:05:23] Alexia Bartholomew: I think what it would say, you know, father had mercy on them that raped me. I think that was like a victim within itself. So I'm grateful for the book, very grateful for the journey and even the encouragement to write the book. 

[00:05:33] Bettina M Brown: And that's, that's huge because it, it, you know, even in that one moment you were violated and then even to talk about it, especially With lately, like what did you do to egg somebody on there's still that concept that feeling is to be vulnerable again and your own healing is not my quote, but I read it's the body keeps the score.

[00:05:54] Bettina M Brown: That's a book title. And he talks about you have really healed because they do their brain scans when you can tell. Your experience with the beginning and middle and end like a story. Yes. Now reliving it. And do you feel like you've gotten to that point where you can tell it like a story? 

[00:06:14] Alexia Bartholomew: I'll be surprised if I do.

[00:06:16] Alexia Bartholomew: And the reason why I'm saying that because when I told a story so many times, especially in therapy, there are times I'll break down in tears because it's kind of like I was reliving it over and over again. And there are times I got tired of telling it. I'm like, I need, I need a breakthrough. I need to move on past this.

[00:06:40] Alexia Bartholomew: But I will say this though, to be able to tell my story. And not cringe, that to me was a sign, okay, it's not effective like it used to, because I'll be honest with you, I thought men were, I ain't gonna lie, I thought men were, well forgive me, boo boo, I don't say the most cleanest, cleanest words, and I didn't think I had that issue to be honest with you, because The the rape and the sexual abuse went on for years, and I did not think I had discomfort around men, especially Black men.

[00:07:24] Alexia Bartholomew: I look back now, I'm asking myself, okay, what's your intentions? Why are you looking at me? What's your motives? And you know, I wasn't verbally saying it. I could tell that I could tell that's what I was Speaking mentally out like, Hey, why are you looking at me? And I had to realize not every man is like that.

[00:07:45] Alexia Bartholomew: Not every black man is like that. Excuse me, especially dark skinned black men. And it took some time because I didn't think I was like that, to be honest with you. I didn't think all black men were like that, but I knew I was defensive. I knew if it got to the point of equal opportunity equalizer, hands down not Rayna Bobbitt style, but I'll be like, okay, look, pink, that's it.

[00:08:14] Alexia Bartholomew: I don't care who you are, but I had to get to the point where not all dark skinned black men are out to rape me or just want for sex. There are genuine dark skinned black men. Black men and color that Jim doesn't generally wants to be gentle, kind and not just want me for the body, want me more than just for the body that, that they will, that they will respect.

[00:08:42] Alexia Bartholomew: When I say no, they will try to, I say this coerce me in a. When this level not even seductive way to say, Hey, let me do this. I'll get, you know, lay down also to a point that if I say no, they're gonna respect to know. And I'm confident there are men out there. And I know this one special for me out there.

[00:09:05] Alexia Bartholomew: I know there is one is probably he's probably popped up. I was waiting to step up, say, Hey, hook up. I said, sure, let's do this right now. But other than that, it's been a process. It really is. I think just to Just the fact that just, just to admit, Hey, look, there's some stuff going on. I mean, I need to change.

[00:09:22] Alexia Bartholomew: I think that was just really first step. So I'm grateful for the process. I really am. Yeah. 

[00:09:27] Bettina M Brown: Yeah. And you said that you had gone to some, some therapy as well. Did you feel, because therapy is some, for some people, a hard thing to go to. Just the act of asking for help. Yes. Did you feel that way for you or was that any part of your story or were you okay?

[00:09:49] Alexia Bartholomew: I actually had no problem with therapy. I had no therapy, no problem at all because one no disrespect, I got you out of work, out of work, out of the office and sometimes you need that outlet. I had no problem with therapy. I think for me, I just did not like different therapy. I was going through different therapists and it wasn't their fault at times, but also for me because there are times.

[00:10:11] Alexia Bartholomew: I was doing therapy consistently with the same therapist and at times I had to stop because of work. But when I started going back again for therapy and I did not want to tell the same therapist again and again. The same story. I was like, if I'm saying, I'm back mom saying to myself, okay, I want to move off from this.

[00:10:35] Alexia Bartholomew: I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of repeating the same story over and over again. And it wasn't like a depressed mode. I was just tired of talking about it. And I'm not seeing, not talking about, I'm just tired of not seeing the breakthrough. Yeah, from it. And so there was a therapy called cognitive, cognitive behavior therapy and there was two parts and I loved it.

[00:11:03] Alexia Bartholomew: And I liked the the setting, those strategies. I like how where you could break down how you feel like this has been happening, how you feel. When it happened and just to the process of recognize, okay, this is the emotions. How did you feel all that stuff? And it was actually more effective than just talking to a therapist about it because it gave me a chance to say, to process how I felt.

[00:11:32] Alexia Bartholomew: And that really broke me through. And even at the end of the therapy. I felt light, very light. It's one thing to tell about it and then, okay, is that the system, but to really feel really light after processing the emotions and even the assumptions and even the myths of the things I've been through, it was really a load off my back.

[00:11:57] Alexia Bartholomew: And even that last therapy session, I went back to work. And one dude who was really dark skin, great coworker. I didn't look at him like, okay, what's your, what's your attentions? I didn't look at him at that anymore. Cause I knew like, okay, Lexi you really broke through. You're not looking at man. You're not defensive.

[00:12:18] Alexia Bartholomew: Not what's the term? You're not uncomfortable. You're not paranoid. So I encourage therapy. I encourage, I don't care who, I don't care what background, what religion, I don't care what preference. There are courage therapy. I encourage it. 

[00:12:35] Bettina M Brown: Yeah. And I liked how you talked about different kinds because a lot of people I encounter they're like, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

[00:12:42] Bettina M Brown: And I've gone through my fair share. I had like different kinds, all sorts of, but the one that caused me the breakthrough was a specific kind where I literally had to tell the story the first time, right? You got to at least get that going, but I had to feel because I had numbed out. to cope, but numbing is not coping.

[00:13:02] Bettina M Brown: Numbing is a strategy. What do you feel about that?

[00:13:05] Alexia Bartholomew: I so agree because I didn't think I was coping. I think after the last incident with one of my, one of my uncles, my second dad, I like to say step dad, second dad side of the family last. Incident that took place. I was relieved that he would no longer have, no longer do anything to me.

[00:13:30] Alexia Bartholomew: But I did think I was, I was numb from it, but I knew I was fighting a lot, especially boys. I, I don't know what it was, but I had a fight a couple of boys because there was one incident where I was headed back to class, and I think it was like fifth grade, I was headed back to class, and there were these two boys who was really trying to block me.

[00:14:01] Alexia Bartholomew: And I'm back in my mind like, why? And I had a funny feeling they wanted some in fifth grade. Why? I don't know. And I was like, no, I'm going to fight through this. And so I had to fight one of the kids, one of the male students to get to class, because I kind of feel they was going to want something from me.

[00:14:19] Alexia Bartholomew: And I didn't want to go through that because I had been through that so many years. But with numbness, I think, I think a lot, I was numb. But I think that numb kind of helped me because we came to fighting. I'll go full force. And I didn't do it to everybody because some were too tall on me and I didn't have an equalizer at the time.

[00:14:44] Alexia Bartholomew: It really, I could tell I did some damage. I punched somebody in the face a couple times, punched a guy, punched boys. I punched boys in the face. Kick, fight father, twin brother, he always killed him, but that's, that's another segment.

[00:15:01] Alexia Bartholomew: You got to protect yourself, right? Oh, ditto, ditto, but here's where the numbing stopped. I don't know, you remember a movie called Dolores Claiborne.

[00:15:15] Alexia Bartholomew: And I'll say my mom, I was in my mom's bedroom and I had watched it a second time. And when I saw what was going on between a dad and a daughter, especially, I think it was like I had a fairy, like a fairy boat, something like that. And it was, I think it was cold outside and the dad told his daughter to warm up, I was going to say this, warm up.

[00:15:38] Alexia Bartholomew: It's kind of clicked like, Whoa, I've been through that.

[00:15:47] Alexia Bartholomew: It hit me in a way, I'm like, "wait a minute, I experienced this." And even though my mom caught one of my uncles in the act, or before he was about to really handle business with me, she didn't know that it had been going on for years. And so that act, that movie alone took something to numb me out. And about, about, I wanna say 2001, I was at church and I was at Altar and I had just got saved.

[00:16:24] Alexia Bartholomew: And when the pastor was calling stuff out saying, no, he molest you, he raped you. I just started, I'm thinking, I was like, thank you, Lord. I just broke down and I did not know how much it, how I, how'd I put this? You know, I just want to scream, but you can't scream like some just like, "Oh, you got this. "I had to get this out of me because I didn't know how, I didn't know I held that pain.

[00:16:55] Alexia Bartholomew: I didn't know I was crying. I didn't know I was screaming. I think I, I think I would say suffocated or kind of like kind of suppressed it because I did not know. How much that affected me, I had no idea. And I think for me, just trying to be a tough woman, I'm not saying tough woman, but tough girl, tough teenager, and even as an adult, in my early, early adult years, I was trying to be this pit bull person, like, you know, you can't faze me, you know, I ain't gonna cry over nothing.

[00:17:32] Alexia Bartholomew: But when it came to the sexual abuse, I broke down. Because I was violated. I was hurt. I think I didn't want to deal with it when I was young because I just want it done over with, but to just weep and say, okay, it's okay. It's over. You know, it's not going to happen again. It was relief, but I still had to go through that process of walking out that healing part, because even though it was called out, I still need to go to therapy.

[00:18:08] Alexia Bartholomew: Yeah. And. There are times that I needed medication, sometimes I did, and there have been times where I was in the presence of one of my uncles and my uncle on my second dad's side of the family could tell I was not comfortable. He didn't know what happened. And I, and when I told him what happened ankle light, light I wish out there, he probably let the uncle up because I had said to the uncle that had raped me.

[00:18:45] Alexia Bartholomew: I told him I forgive you, but I also said if I have a funny, you know, a funny feeling you about to do something, let's say, I encourage them. I encourage them, but he has passed away, but, it's really been it's been a process. It really has. And just to tell people my story without tears, without regret, without saying it's my fault.

[00:19:10] Alexia Bartholomew: It's really it's freeing. 

[00:19:14] Bettina M Brown: There is a lot of freedom in forgiveness, and As you heard her say, forgiveness did not mean that it stayed under, figuratively or literally, under the sheets.

[00:19:28] Bettina M Brown: There is a lot of freedom in forgiveness, and forgiveness of yourself for keeping something quiet, forgiveness for not knowing, and forgiveness for your own process, that it does not have to be The way someone else thinks your process should be. So this is part one of my conversation with Alexia, and I am so excited for part two, which comes out next week.

[00:19:52] Bettina M Brown: If you find this podcast helpful, please leave it a five star review. It does so much to put this in the hands and ears of those that would really need it. And until next time, let's keep building one another up!